I'm not okay. I'm not. I'm gonna go all emo in my journal cause I Don't talk to people about this in person. I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder in September. I kind of knew I always had some sort of Schizo, so it wasnt a shocker. But I feel like my life if finally coming to an end. I feel like doing nothing everyday, no modivation to do anything. I'm not happy, I feel emotionless. I take 6 medication to be a "Normal" person, but it's failing me. Failing me so bad that laity my thoughts have become dangerous. I cannot tell my psychiatrist about my dangerous thought so he can help, because I will be a "Threat" to society and get locked up. I cant get locked up, there are things I want to be doing with my life, like publish the book I am working on and have children. I cant get this dumb bitch out of my head either. I used to have a TON of hallucinations of people, they have mostly gone away, but the chick that talks to me wont fuck off. And she only started coming around with in the last month. It's sad to say I'm purely crazy. I m having a hard time coming to means with myself, trying to admit to myself what I have and accept it, but I cannot. I don't take my medicine everyday cause I don't feel a dependency for it yet, when I should, cause it makes me less nuts. I HATE that I'm like this. I HATE IT. I feel like I'm possessed by the devil. My dreams are corrupt, My thoughts are dangerous, and some chick wont stop talking to me. I just want to get a job, go to school and not drop out, and get married. But I cannot do any of these things these days, I feel like they're going to lock me up, and I'll never have a future like my aunt or uncle, or cousin. When I was a child and knew I saw things, I told my mother if I ever had this disease I wouldn't sit my life away like they did. Now I see that they couldn't help it. But I don't want to be this way. I want to succeed. See, I am a real Schizo. Those stupid fucking little goth kids who pretend they heard voices and are vampires, are a bunch of fucking liars and deserve to be shot in the face. Like Ashley, who was in a mental home for "Seeing demons" Dumb bitch, you don't even know what a demon looks like. I wish that demon would have eaten you. She just wanted attention. At this point, I wish I knew what to do. I wish this anger would go away, and the thoughts that go with anger would as well. The hardest part is my doctor told me to go on disability. Disability is for lazy asses. I REFUSE to go on disability. At this point, I want to stop taking my meds and see things again, just so I can have this feeling of motivation again. Because since the hallucinations went away, so did my will to do things. Not sure why, or what that medication is doing to me, but I don't like the feeling.

I wish someone could find a cure. I wish someone KNEW actually KNEW what I was going through, but I dont believe anyone when they say they hear things and see things too. It's just a way of getting attention in my eyes.

I used to be so great. Never very strong, but I used to do alot. I worked full time while taking 17 credit hours after I had surgery. I was super women. But what happened? I used to be my own idol.

I needed to vent somehow. This was the only way I could think of it, talking to a Deviant Art journal. Soon I think I'll have much of who I am left, and it'll be gone and possessed by this stupid ass disease. And I'll become some nutty lady in a mental home. Sometimes I wonder if I should left everyone I love go now, so that maybe I can get better with help, then see them again. So they can remember me as a good person, not as some crazy friend who lost her mind.